ULTIMATE SINGULARITY BROS PODCAST SMOOTHIE RECIPE

This is food. It keeps you not dead for a few years. Not really that long on a cosmic scale. Your entire existence is an eye blink in an infinite, expanding universe. Eat your vegetables.

                You may be saying to yourself, “who cares about smoothies, bro?” and “what does any of this have to do with the Singularity?” These are both legit questions. As the second blog post on a site called “Singularity Bros” it seems a little weird to be talking about a smoothie recipe. Does this smoothie contain nanoswarms of Respirocytes? If not, what the fuck, dude?

Respirocytes not included. However, 2 of these a day is nearly 2000 calories. Goodbye, normal eating!
Respirocytes not included. However, 2 of these a day is nearly 2000 calories. Goodbye, normal eating!

 

                I’ll tell you the fuck, bro. I didn’t invent this smoothie craze nor are the inclinations that brought me to blending my food like some kind of toothless, vaguely adult shaped baby unique to me. If you are familiar with the Singularity, our podcast, and tech minded folks in general then you are probably aware of a product called Soylent. I remember hearing about it years ago and thinking, “yeah, bro, sign my ass up. Chewing is for assholes.” OK, it’s not really the chewing that bothers me. It’s the total panic and all-consuming terror that is trying-to-eat-right.

 

So three loaves of bread a day and minimal tiny triangles? Got it.

 

                Ray Kurzweil, the patron saint of Moore’s Law or whatever, takes one million supplements daily in his effort to put good shit into his body port. I’m not actually going to fact check this, but I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere in the neighborhood of 100 – 1,000,000 pills every day. He does this as part of his overall quest to Live Long Enough to Live Forever. The thinking is that what you cram into your face hole matters for your health overall. It may be insultingly obvious to say that your health is affected by what you eat, but it really fucking is. Like not just a little bit. A fucking lot. As much as smoking or alcohol abuse or lack of exercise. Maybe even more than all of those things. Maybe more than anything. Even knowing this, who has time to really eat well? Eating well does not mean Lean Cusine and Special K just because “you guys, Special K totally has whole grains, you guys.” Eating well means vegetables, fruit, and lean protein. If you want to eat 3 meals a day of good, real food (and aren’t 90% McDonalds), my fact-free intuition tells me you’ll have to spend 1000 hours a day preparing and cooking those meals. Don’t nobody have time for that shit. This all says nothing of the truly terrifying process of narrowing down the meals you want to eat.

 

These are normal cooks. This is a normal kitchen. Image credit: Flickr

                Think back to yesteryear, in that bygone age before processed foods. People had to cook real meals at home. That was a full time job. An actual person had to be home all day cooking otherwise no one would eat.

That dog better be gluten free. Image credit: Flickr
That dog better be gluten free. Image credit: Flickr

                 When everyone joined the work force how could people eat at all, regardless of the quality of food? Processed foods filled that niche. TV dinners, fast food, Hamburger Helper, and others made sure that we had enough raw particles to not fall over dead from lack of biomass. Life was all, “Just cram some crap into your face so that your body doesn’t stop working from lack of crap. Do this long enough to raise kids that you cram crap into and work that job you hate to hopefully die prematurely of a heart attack.” There was no insidious plot by Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar. People needed food and didn’t have time to make it. McDonald’s gave them a sort-of-food. For a while this arrangement worked. Then people started asking, “Hey, why the fuck are we all so fat and dead? Why have I felt like shit my entire life?” One giant reason is that the “food” those people ate was not so much food as it was ground up phone books (not factual…but it feels right). We know what we put into our bodies matters but the problem is getting what we need to be healthy, productive humans while not spending all day cooking.

 

                Soylent tries to tackle this problem of lack of time + need for nutrients with chemistry. It’s kind of the inevitable solution when you think about it. We demand higher levels of productivity for ourselves, longer work hours, fewer breaks and we don’t want to drop dead from starvation. It’s no wonder that a culture that is notorious for living on Red Bull and solving problems with mathematical understanding became enamored with a product that solves the problem of food with math. Our bodies need a few basic things to stay alive. Nobody said anything about chewing or enjoyment. While McDonald’s tastes like food-crack we all know that it won’t actually sustain us. Controlling the nutrient flow into our meat-sacks while still definitely not having time for that shit results in Soylent. A drink that contains the shit you need, measured precisely by nutrient.

 

Mmmm…just like mom used to make. CSIRO [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

                I will admit that a part of me, the part with an efficiency fetish, loves the idea of Soylent. It really is an incredibly efficient solution. Maybe carrying around a backpack filled with the stuff that you IV directly into your veins would be an even more efficient solution. Mainlining Soylent (a band name free for the taking) might be the inevitable endpoint but in the meantime drinking three nutrient controlled drinks a day is close enough to maximum efficiency. Here we see this convergence between caring about what we put into ourselves and admitting that we will never actually cook those three meals a day. We want good nutrition but we aren’t going to lie to ourselves about how we are going to get it.

 

                How often do we shoot ourselves in the foot because we lie to ourselves? We all know people who have never worked out who are overly ambitious when they sign up for a gym. They commit to 6 days a week, 2 hours a day only to stop going to the gym forever sometime in that first week. Those people are lying to themselves. Worse, they are doing themselves harm. They have set their expectations unrealistically high and as a result stopped exercising entirely. Had they set moderate and achievable goals, say 30 minutes a day, 3 days a week, they might have actually met those goals and kept that routine consistently for life. Maybe 30 minutes a day, 3 days a week won’t turn you into a pro athlete. It is, however, one infinity percent better than not exercising at all. Soylent and the smoothie craze are admitting that we aren’t going to cook meals for 2 hours a day, 6 days a week, but we might do the food equivalent of 30 minutes a day, 3 days a week. If we do, our overall health will be better for it.

 

                If there is one thing we Singularity Bros want to be, it’s better. We admit that we suck all the time, but we aren’t satisfied staying sucky. This seems to be true of most people. What can turn people away from improving is unrealistic expectations and high standards. If these people (me most of all) were only honest with themselves they would be forced to admit they will never achieve those insanely high standards. But that’s OK! There are miles and miles of road on the journey from sucky to less sucky and covering some of that distance, any of that distance, gets you farther and farther away from Sucksville and closer to Betterburgh. Since trying to teleport that distance and go from never working out to pro athlete, or eating McDonald’s every day to a perfect diet, is unrealistic, why not set our goals one mile marker at a time? After all, better is better. And Sucksville sucks. I really don’t want to suck any more than I have to. And that, trying to be a better functioning and healthier human being, is where this smoothie business began.

 

                My particular daily concoction is a combination of a few different recipes and my own tinkering. Joe Rogan has a YouTube video where he makes a kale smoothie from which I have borrowed some ideas.

 

 

Notably, using the plunger as a fake penis.

               Dr. Rhonda Patrick, frequent guest on the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast, also has a video where she breaks down the micro-nutrient content of the various ingredients that go into her particular smoothie. I take a lot from this one, too.

 

 

This video is great despite a conspicuous lack of penis mimery.

                The book The 4-Hour Body by Tim Ferris also has a smoothie recipe or two lurking in its pages that have been inspiring. Before focusing more on the vegetable portion of the drink, which was inspired largely by the Dr. Rhonda Patrick video and by the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead which I stumbled across on Netflix and which turned out to be a fucking two hour commercial that I begrudgingly loved, I had a much different smoothie recipe and ethos. I was using pasteurized eggs, as many as 6, in each smoothie. For years I even had three pasteurized, raw eggs every day when I woke up. I’d crack those little bastards into a cup, scramble, then down the hatch. Breakfast! After being taken in by those previously mentioned videos and now firmly in the pocket of Big Kale, I began to prioritize vegetables. The consensus among the health community seems to be that vegetables (and fruits) are not a side dish to the main ingredient of protein but are themselves the main attraction. The protein, while necessary, is the side show. At least for now. Maybe (likely) in the future this will all change and I’ll be like, “You guys, it turns out that protein is all that matters and vegetables are a lie!” But for now I’m firmly on team plant. And it’s great here.

 

                The thing is, people have noticed how great it is to be smoothied up in the warm embrace of team plant. People around me, at first anyway, just noticed that I was bringing a smoothie with me and drinking 95% of it at work (the other 3% ends up in my mustache and the remaining 2% ends up on my shirt). But then they noticed I was looking better (as if that’s possible, amirtie?!). A reluctant few asked to try it. Lo and behold it wasn’t bad. You know what, not just not bad but, hey that’s actually pretty good. Maybe-I’ll-do-that-one-day kind of not bad. You-know-what-will-you-send-me-the-recipe kind of good. And so I did. And the people who have tried it on their own have loved it.

 

                We all knew we weren’t going to make good meals for ourselves, deep down, and now we can openly admit it and not give in to eating garbage. And it’s not that I never eat garbage. I totally do. But I have this smoothie every day which guarantees that, at the very least, I’ve had kale, spinach, cucumbers, carrots, avocado, and blue berries. Sometimes I even have a banana and an apple. If I eat a burger later it’s not the end of the world and it’s a fuck ton better than just eating the burger and not having the vegetables that day, too. Because of this daily smoothie my life is better. It’s both more efficient and healthier. Admittedly, it’s not perfect, but it’s better.

Drink responsibly.
This is an improvement!

 

                And better is “Singularity Bro” as all get out. I’m trying to be better all the time until I hit a critical mass of better and am raptured into the bio-tech paradise hidden inside Ray Kurzweil’s strangely boy-like hair. I want to live a healthy life and like my boy, Ray (we aren’t friends and he doesn’t know me), live long enough to live forever. Or at least long enough to see some crazy VR, AI, Elon Musk imagined shit. And I don’t want the hours until then to be filled with obesity and micro-nutrient-starvation induced agony. So when you listen to the podcast and you hear me talk about my smoothie centered diet you now know why. Let us know if you try it or have a smoothie of your own.

 

See you in Kurzweil’s hair!

 

*Disclaimer – I am not a doctor and this post is for entertainment purposes only and is not intended to treat or diagnose any diseases. Ask your doctor if it’s OK to eat food, drink smoothies, or do anything, ever.